fucking hell and the phd

January 22, 2009

last night i slept over at spoons’.  i always seem to dream more lucid dreams at her place.  this time i had a telling nightmare.

i stand at the front of a table. it’s outside, cold and windy.  at a table sit 5 profs from dept minor (the bastard ones), also at the head sits the dept head. we’ll call him rich. or in this particular instance, let’s call him dick: in real life he’s a nice guy, but tonight he’s a big bastard.

i present the slides of my pre-dissertation work; that is, the stuff i plan to defend on.  i don’t actually remember any of it, probably something i worked on last semester.  my balls are sweating.  after an hour of my talking and their silence, dick gets up and says:  garble garble garble (i can’t HEAR him); and then, to the only nice prof there, one i don’t actually know: you are responsible for his review.  i try to ask, ruh roh, what did you say?  but am shuttered out of the “office”.  i’m lost.  all i know is this: my defense committee will consist of adviser brilliant, adviser stable, and ProfNice.

ProfNice seems like a reasonable woman in her 40s, but for some reason at the mixer the next day, (again outside and this time in the rain); i can’t seem to ask her what the hell dick said.  did they decide to drop me from the program, and i have 2 months to finish a master’s thesis?  or were they very happy with my work and i should start writing my phd thesis now?  should i halt all my projects or continue following up on all five of my superwizzycool ideas?  what do I do?  what’s going to happen to my life?  am i going to be a homeless bum in a year?  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  fuckity fuck.

i woke up with sweaty balls and stared at spoons for a bit, then went back to sleep.

yay for lucid dreams.

oh well, i’m back in jersey this morning.  and oh look, meet with adviser stable (AS) in t-10 minutes.  good thing i had a productive workday at spoons’ lab yesterday.  at least i can get him to talk math with me, and that’s one less day he thinks i’m an idiot failure (of course, there’s always tomorrow 🙂